In Which I try to self soothe…minus the food

Morning all,

Unfortunately I haven’t been writing as much as I would like. Part of this is due to being busy and part because I can’t seem to get my brain together and get the words together into proper sentences…or even improper ones. Sometimes writing is easy….most of the time it is not. At least it isn’t when you are trying to stick to a theme or some other nonsense, but I digress.

I’m not feeling it today. You all know what it is don’t you? It is the feeling of being part of the world, the feeling that you are on the path, or just the general happy feeling that I seem to carry around 98% of the time. Yeah I’m not there today. I am trying but for some reason that feeling is eluding me. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am stressed about the wedding stuff and of course (not to get too personal) that monthly bill came due again. So I feel tired and fat and awful and it just makes me focus on all the things that I have been trying to ignore the past few weeks.

So what are the issues of the past few weeks?

Will I get everything done on time? Have I forgotten anything? ---These questions keep me up at night. It’s not that I am shooting for perfection for this wedding but I am shooting for something that will run smoothly and that everyone will enjoy, including me. I know what will make me happy but I keep wondering if everyone else is going to be too…I am working on it but at the same time I still keep worrying.

My weight- ugh this battle SUCKS! Weight is a lifelong issue for me. I get it, but I hate that I let myself slip into bad habits when I am feeling nervous, anxious, and stressed. Again a lot has to do with the monthly bill but I am not happy with the way I have been feeling or the way I have been eating. I am trying to get back on track today. I swiped the treadmill from my parents and set it up in my basement and I have some audio books that I have been saving for when I am plodding along. I am hoping to tap into the happy feeling that working out seems to provide to get me back on track…plus it will help the fat feeling that my jeans have been giving me lately. I won’t get into the number on the scale just yet. I am not happy with it but I don’t want to be all about the numbers. The fact is I feel icky…and that is all the sign I need that I should get back on track. Working out is the only way I know to quickly turn things around in the feeling happy department and eating well is the only way I know to get the body back to feeling well too. Again there are no magic secrets people….just hard work. I am ready to get back to work again but I am not happy about it. I don’t anyone that ever is all that happy about trying to regain ground that they have lost but that is just life I suppose.  

Keeping House- bills, cleaning, getting a routine that works for two….these things are minor I suppose but I’ve been letting them get to me. I just need to sit down and plan things out but the idea of trying to plan anything at the same time as this wedding is overwhelming

Writing- as usual this one stresses me out. My inner critic shrieking, “You should be writing more! Writer’s write! Writer’s write!” Yes I know they do. I know that I want to, but again doing anything in addition to planning the wedding, working, and trying to keep sane…Well it is just overwhelming. I am trying to give myself permission to just be for a little bit, but the writer in me keeps nagging. Guess it is a good thing that I have the blog. This counts as writing after all.

So that is what is going on with my little world and I do feel better now, amazing how just putting the words out there and out of me gets the poison out. Next time I get the urge for some chocolate or I feel all out of sorts perhaps I should hit the blog instead of beating myself up!

In Which I am in the pursuit of my own Happiness

I feel so much better today. I feel like myself again. My brain feels clear again and I can hear myself think once more. It’s rough trying to get myself back to this place but I am here again and now I feel like keeping the weight off, eating well, smiling and in general being happy is possible once more. I can do this and I will look amazing this weekend. My dress will fit and I will feel gorgeous and enjoy the weekend no matter what. I will not let my hang ups ruin another event. I will spend time with my friends and I will laugh and carry on through this right of passage and remember that the whole reason that this is happening is to celebrate my future happiness. This weekend is supposed to be about having a great time with the amazing people that are apart of my life. If I don’t let go of my issues and have fun I will regret it forever. So instead of worrying about what I will look like and what needs to be done…I am going to smile and I am going to focus on the fact that all these people are coming in to celebrate the fact that I am about to take a huge step in life with the person I love more than anything in the world. This is the decision that I am making. I refuse to let myself ruin this for well…me. I deserve this moment as it is one of the few in a person’s life that stand out. I am not going to punish myself by dwelling on the weight I could lose, the way I could look, the things I could say or do, or even the choices I have made in my professional (see working) life. No I am not published (yet) and no I am not an engineer with a high IQ. I am nerdy girl who spends a lot of time daydreaming and the rest of the time working so that I can fund my nail polish addiction and pay off the student loan debt that college left me with, but there is nothing wrong with that. This is not my permanent status but it is working for me for now and it is helping me get where I want to be for the moment. I am getting things paid off, I am spending more time with my guy, and I am doing something new that works my brain in a new way to prepare me for other things in life. I am learning and that is the most important thing. There will come a time when I have gotten all I can from this and I will eventually have to move out of my comfort zone…but for now it is working.

I suppose right now I have a bit of the wedding blues that I am working through even though I feel much better today. It’s not so much that the wedding is going to be over and done with, it’s more there is a lot to do and honestly not all of it is going to be fun. Plus there have been some very stressful mishaps and also some hurtful things said. They were not meant to be hurtful but they still hurt me. It sucks that I let it hurt but it did, I don’t know many that would be happy if someone said to their face, “Oh god I am going to be so glad with this stupid wedding is over” …um thanks? The wedding is a big deal to me, I am still looking forward to it…I’m sorry that you are not but really that is all on you and I need to stop feeling like it is my job to make everyone happy. I only have to make me happy and of course my fiancé. That is it. No one else has a right to ask me to improve their happiness for a day that is about um well the two of us.

In Which I ramble a lot and lament the short weekend

40 days and counting!

Okay so I will try to not do that…the whole countdown thing…but it’s really hard. I’m excited, as anyone who knows me personally knows; you just can’t contain me when I’m excited.

So it’s Monday morning already. I am not sure what business the weekend was up to but it sure was in a hurry to get out of here. I feel slightly cheated at the shortness….but then again here shortly I’m taking off for several weeks so really who am I to complain?

The weekend was so busy that I didn’t really have the time to soak it in. Between date night on Friday and shopping/cleaning Saturday and the bridal shower yesterday…well it flew by. Friday night we saw Wrath of the Titans…it was just meh. I took several years of Greek mythology and thus it is really hard for me to deal with Hollywood remakes. Plus I fell asleep; I’m not good with all action and no plot. The fight scenes are so cut up and jumpy that I get bored with trying to figure out whom anyone is and where they are. I give it 2.5 out of 5 and only that because I do like the actors and my fiancé said he enjoyed it so therefore it is possible that I am just very biased.

Saturday was shopping for bridal party gifts and then some heavy cleaning of the house (bathrooms and laundry) since we have company coming in this upcoming weekend.

Sunday was the bridal shower. So who’s spoiled completely rotten and loving every minute of it? Um yes that would be THIS girl! I ended up with new pots and pans, all new towels, a gorgeous homemade apron, gift cards, picture frames, Rubbermaid storage, amazing corning ware with the travel case, handmade quilts….I mean seriously! This was just my bridal shower! And just the 1^st one at that! It was madness of the best kind! Plus an amazing cake with a purple bow (my favorite color) and the most gorgeous flower arrangement that is now sitting on my dining table making my kitchen look very springtime. It was an amazing experience and I am very lucky to have such a great family.

However it is hard to get myself back in the swing of things, as the wedding gets closer the more I am focused on it instead of everything else. I will be glad when my braid is freed up to think about other things again!  Especially my writing, oh I will be so very very glad to get back to work on my book which I am taking a break from due to the wedding. I am still jotting down ideas when they come but I just can’t sit down and write yet. Nothing goes for longer than a few moments before I am thinking of the wedding to do list again. I have a stack of notes however so once I can this book is going to get some serious time devoted to it!

Okay now I need to get back to work and back to focusing on other things, Monday’s are so rough….

Anyone else feel shorted by the weekend? Is everyone else in the world this busy???

In which I realize that “Hey! I’m getting Married!”

So the wedding is in six weeks. That is what my calendar is now telling me anyhow. It is telling me that somehow 3 months have passed in this year already and now there are six weeks until I walk down the aisle to the man that I love.

How did this happen?

Let me go back a bit.

We’ve had a long engagement by most standards. We got engaged on Christmas of 2010 and decided that 2012 was enough time to plan this event while giving me time to keep my sanity and lose weight properly without trying to crash diet my way to a dress I loved. The dieting part was amazingly successful and now I am very happy with my weight and my dress. Sure I want to continue to lose until I am at what the BMI indicator says I should be but really I am satisfied that I will look good going down that aisle.

Well while I was busy working to lose the weight and busy working and living and all those other things that we all have to do…time was going by. Yes I was planning this wedding but I didn’t really realize until lately that the date is getting very close and that very soon I will have a new last name and a husband to go along with it.

That isn’t to say that I’m not excited. I am practically bouncing off the walls in happiness. There is just a lot to do and a lot to take in. For example I have a bridal shower this weekend. MY bridal shower. I have been to a million of these things. I’ve sat and watched the happy bride open gifts, played the games, and smiled as she went on about the flowers and dresses and everything. This time however…I’m the bride. It’s still weird to say that or even think it. I’m the bride.

It’s not that I haven’t thought about it. It’s not that the idea has never occurred to me in the past months, but it’s starting to feel real. I’m getting married. I’m a grown up…(sort of) When did this all happen? I guess it’s like parent’s say…you blink and the time is gone.

So now with six weeks to go I am busier than ever. A bridal shower this weekend, my bachelorette party is next weekend, I have tent rentals to finalize, photography, DJ, songs to decide on for the “must play” , songs to put down in red ink as a “Do Not Play”, deciding on the earrings I am going to wear, getting the flowers, making leis and bouquets with my grandmother when she gets in from Hawaii, spending time with my mom’s family who has not been together (as in everyone at the same time) in 33 years. It’s amazing how fast the next few weeks will go by with all that going on, especially on top of my normal daily activities of work, housework, and workouts.

But it is what it is, and as I said before I am thrilled and excited and ready to go…after all it’s going to be an amazing day!

In Which “Start the Process” is employed and we talk about “Nerdists”

My brothers are awesome. Basically that is the very first thing you should know.

Secondly, they keep me up on the awesomeness of the world and what goes on in it while I am off in Wonderland.

Enter, “The Nerdist Way” by Chris Hardwick a super amazing book for anyone who suspects that they may in fact be a nerd. It is also an amazing book for those of us that over analyze…everything. Plus it is hilarious, which is always a bonus.

Am I a nerd? Um yes! Honestly I have no issues with this label. I mean come on….I own over 300 My Little Ponies, Geek out over Tokidoki characters, and still believe that FF7 is the most awesome game ever. In addition I quote Harry Potter, LOTR, and various other randoms all the time. However I hate Math. Hate it. Numbers are not my friends. Words=Good and Numbers=Bad. However even minus the math love I am a nerd.

Now the book is basically a guide or big book of suggestions if you prefer that is meant to help you use your nerdy brain to better help you in life instead of letting it keep you stuck in the same over analyzed and in my own personal case-paralyzed state. I tend to have issues making decisions for fear that I will make the wrong one, this is an entire section in the book and I cannot tell you how much better I felt knowing that other people out there deal with this. I am not the only person who can stare at Netflix for hours and watch nothing because I cannot commit! Huzzah!

One of my favorite parts is something that has been said before but for some reason seems a lot more manageable when Chris talks about it. “Start the Process” is basically the idea that you need to just start something. Stop stressing about if it is good enough or if it is perfect BEFORE YOU EVEN WRITE A WORD! (as a writer this is my big issue, I label things as “crappy” before I even put them on paper and therefore a lot of things don’t get written and I have empty notebooks laying around that annoy the fiancé a bit) You need to start the process and get things going. So what if the first draft sucks? That is why it is the “first” draft and not the final. No one ever has to see the first draft but you if you so choose. So go ahead and write crappy things, in fact just enjoy the fact that you can come up with the worst ideas ever! (After all would we have gems like Sharktopus if we didn’t have people that were okay with things that were ridiculous?) Own the awesomeness of your work whether it is in fact awesome or is in fact a complete mess.

Right now I am trying to use “Start the Process” I am getting back into blogging and writing without judging my work the moment I go to write it down. I am in fact writing off the cuff and finding that it is in fact very liberating and I am quite pleased with what has been forming on the page. Writing has always been my favorite and I tend to be fairly decent at it, but I always forget that. For some reason my brain can easily convince me that I have nothing to say and therefore should say nothing at all. This is complete crap when I think about it rationally.  However my brain is very rarely rational so therefore times when I hit this clarity are few and far between. 

So here's to starting the process, enjoying the work that I actually put down on paper/blog, and staying sane through planning the wedding.  Oh and here is some Tokidoki Love!!

In Which A Problem is Identified and a Solution Suggested

This is becoming a problem. My life is. My life is becoming a problem.

 

That sounds amazingly dramatic don’t you think? Ah well let’s face it I am dramatic, it’s okay I can live with it.

 

What was I saying?

 

Ah yes, my life is becoming a problem.

 

I am stressed. I spend a lot of time worrying about things that I am not getting done while trying to get other things done. Ergo I manage to not get anything done and fall into a pit of “I am a useless person/bride”. It’s not just wedding things I am failing at it seems but also things in my daily life. I worry about the fact I am not writing as much, I worry that my blog is falling off the face of the earth because the old one is now lost and gone due to a virus and the new one has not been properly promoted to get me back in my blogging community that I miss. I worry about getting my house in order, budgeting, and in general being a good wife once the wedding is over.  See? I told you it was a problem!

 

So what to do? Well my plan is to go back to my tried and true method of lists (lists are comforting for me) and getting back to blogging regularly for the accountability and the amazing support and sometimes delusion shattering voices of the blog world. I am going to have to apply myself to get this completed but honestly I have to get it done if I hope to have any sanity left by the time honeymoon rolls around. The blog is also going to undergo a little change to make it a little more appealing and a lot more functional. Plus it will be more fun for me and that is always a plus!

 

So here’s to starting over, trying again, finding sanity, and all that other awesome stuff!

Time Goes Marching On....

Wow the days pass quickly….how is it over a month since I started this new blog up? Where is the time going? Already February 20, 2012. This year is going to be gone before you know it.

Actually the time has been going fast ever since we got engaged. We planned so that we would have a year and a half before getting married and now we are down to just 80 days until the big day! Not to say that we haven’t been crazy busy in the time since. Actually I have been near crazy busy and my big focus has been trying to look amazing for the big day!

Right now I am sitting happily at 160lbs…down 75 lbs from last year. It’s hard to believe that I lost that much this past year. Especially since it took me so long to finally buckle down and do things right. For so very long I kept putting things off, I would always plan to start tomorrow…or I would give up by the end of the day because of one little slip up. However the proof is in the pictures. We took our engagement photos on Feb 12 this year and one of my bridesmaids sent me this picture from Feb 13^th of last year. I think that it serves as a very telling before and after….

It’s hard to believe that those pounds made such a difference in my life. The way I feel about myself, the way I present myself to others….I feel like my whole life is different. Of course it does help that I am about to undertake a huge life change anyhow!

So what made the difference? How did I do it? What is the magic secret thing that made me drop the weight and finally find myself back in jeans I haven’t worn since I was sixteen? Man that is tricky. I always used to get so frustrated when I went to a successful weight loss blog and there was never a miracle answer and no magic cure. They never had the right answer for me it seemed…and unfortunately I fear that I won’t have the right answer for you either. As much as weight loss is put under the microscope, as much as we laugh and joke about it here in blogs and forums, it is an intensely personal thing. We gain the weight for personal reasons, we lose it for personal reasons, and all the madness between is such an intimate battle between ourselves and who we wish to be…well that is the reason there is no magic cure. Some days you are winning the war and some days you aren’t. Some soldiers can fight through it with ferocity and intense physical punishment, and some and only put one foot in front of the other as we simply try to carry on.

But I can tell you one thing…you can do this. You will in fact do this. Maybe not today or tomorrow but you will win at this battle. You are going to find the end of the rainbow, you are going to one day look in the mirror and like the reflection you see, all you have to do is hold your head up high and keep marching on.