In Which I try to self soothe…minus the food

Morning all,

Unfortunately I haven’t been writing as much as I would like. Part of this is due to being busy and part because I can’t seem to get my brain together and get the words together into proper sentences…or even improper ones. Sometimes writing is easy….most of the time it is not. At least it isn’t when you are trying to stick to a theme or some other nonsense, but I digress.

I’m not feeling it today. You all know what it is don’t you? It is the feeling of being part of the world, the feeling that you are on the path, or just the general happy feeling that I seem to carry around 98% of the time. Yeah I’m not there today. I am trying but for some reason that feeling is eluding me. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am stressed about the wedding stuff and of course (not to get too personal) that monthly bill came due again. So I feel tired and fat and awful and it just makes me focus on all the things that I have been trying to ignore the past few weeks.

So what are the issues of the past few weeks?

Will I get everything done on time? Have I forgotten anything? ---These questions keep me up at night. It’s not that I am shooting for perfection for this wedding but I am shooting for something that will run smoothly and that everyone will enjoy, including me. I know what will make me happy but I keep wondering if everyone else is going to be too…I am working on it but at the same time I still keep worrying.

My weight- ugh this battle SUCKS! Weight is a lifelong issue for me. I get it, but I hate that I let myself slip into bad habits when I am feeling nervous, anxious, and stressed. Again a lot has to do with the monthly bill but I am not happy with the way I have been feeling or the way I have been eating. I am trying to get back on track today. I swiped the treadmill from my parents and set it up in my basement and I have some audio books that I have been saving for when I am plodding along. I am hoping to tap into the happy feeling that working out seems to provide to get me back on track…plus it will help the fat feeling that my jeans have been giving me lately. I won’t get into the number on the scale just yet. I am not happy with it but I don’t want to be all about the numbers. The fact is I feel icky…and that is all the sign I need that I should get back on track. Working out is the only way I know to quickly turn things around in the feeling happy department and eating well is the only way I know to get the body back to feeling well too. Again there are no magic secrets people….just hard work. I am ready to get back to work again but I am not happy about it. I don’t anyone that ever is all that happy about trying to regain ground that they have lost but that is just life I suppose.  

Keeping House- bills, cleaning, getting a routine that works for two….these things are minor I suppose but I’ve been letting them get to me. I just need to sit down and plan things out but the idea of trying to plan anything at the same time as this wedding is overwhelming

Writing- as usual this one stresses me out. My inner critic shrieking, “You should be writing more! Writer’s write! Writer’s write!” Yes I know they do. I know that I want to, but again doing anything in addition to planning the wedding, working, and trying to keep sane…Well it is just overwhelming. I am trying to give myself permission to just be for a little bit, but the writer in me keeps nagging. Guess it is a good thing that I have the blog. This counts as writing after all.

So that is what is going on with my little world and I do feel better now, amazing how just putting the words out there and out of me gets the poison out. Next time I get the urge for some chocolate or I feel all out of sorts perhaps I should hit the blog instead of beating myself up!

In Which I am in the pursuit of my own Happiness

I feel so much better today. I feel like myself again. My brain feels clear again and I can hear myself think once more. It’s rough trying to get myself back to this place but I am here again and now I feel like keeping the weight off, eating well, smiling and in general being happy is possible once more. I can do this and I will look amazing this weekend. My dress will fit and I will feel gorgeous and enjoy the weekend no matter what. I will not let my hang ups ruin another event. I will spend time with my friends and I will laugh and carry on through this right of passage and remember that the whole reason that this is happening is to celebrate my future happiness. This weekend is supposed to be about having a great time with the amazing people that are apart of my life. If I don’t let go of my issues and have fun I will regret it forever. So instead of worrying about what I will look like and what needs to be done…I am going to smile and I am going to focus on the fact that all these people are coming in to celebrate the fact that I am about to take a huge step in life with the person I love more than anything in the world. This is the decision that I am making. I refuse to let myself ruin this for well…me. I deserve this moment as it is one of the few in a person’s life that stand out. I am not going to punish myself by dwelling on the weight I could lose, the way I could look, the things I could say or do, or even the choices I have made in my professional (see working) life. No I am not published (yet) and no I am not an engineer with a high IQ. I am nerdy girl who spends a lot of time daydreaming and the rest of the time working so that I can fund my nail polish addiction and pay off the student loan debt that college left me with, but there is nothing wrong with that. This is not my permanent status but it is working for me for now and it is helping me get where I want to be for the moment. I am getting things paid off, I am spending more time with my guy, and I am doing something new that works my brain in a new way to prepare me for other things in life. I am learning and that is the most important thing. There will come a time when I have gotten all I can from this and I will eventually have to move out of my comfort zone…but for now it is working.

I suppose right now I have a bit of the wedding blues that I am working through even though I feel much better today. It’s not so much that the wedding is going to be over and done with, it’s more there is a lot to do and honestly not all of it is going to be fun. Plus there have been some very stressful mishaps and also some hurtful things said. They were not meant to be hurtful but they still hurt me. It sucks that I let it hurt but it did, I don’t know many that would be happy if someone said to their face, “Oh god I am going to be so glad with this stupid wedding is over” …um thanks? The wedding is a big deal to me, I am still looking forward to it…I’m sorry that you are not but really that is all on you and I need to stop feeling like it is my job to make everyone happy. I only have to make me happy and of course my fiancé. That is it. No one else has a right to ask me to improve their happiness for a day that is about um well the two of us.

In Which I ramble a lot and lament the short weekend

40 days and counting!

Okay so I will try to not do that…the whole countdown thing…but it’s really hard. I’m excited, as anyone who knows me personally knows; you just can’t contain me when I’m excited.

So it’s Monday morning already. I am not sure what business the weekend was up to but it sure was in a hurry to get out of here. I feel slightly cheated at the shortness….but then again here shortly I’m taking off for several weeks so really who am I to complain?

The weekend was so busy that I didn’t really have the time to soak it in. Between date night on Friday and shopping/cleaning Saturday and the bridal shower yesterday…well it flew by. Friday night we saw Wrath of the Titans…it was just meh. I took several years of Greek mythology and thus it is really hard for me to deal with Hollywood remakes. Plus I fell asleep; I’m not good with all action and no plot. The fight scenes are so cut up and jumpy that I get bored with trying to figure out whom anyone is and where they are. I give it 2.5 out of 5 and only that because I do like the actors and my fiancé said he enjoyed it so therefore it is possible that I am just very biased.

Saturday was shopping for bridal party gifts and then some heavy cleaning of the house (bathrooms and laundry) since we have company coming in this upcoming weekend.

Sunday was the bridal shower. So who’s spoiled completely rotten and loving every minute of it? Um yes that would be THIS girl! I ended up with new pots and pans, all new towels, a gorgeous homemade apron, gift cards, picture frames, Rubbermaid storage, amazing corning ware with the travel case, handmade quilts….I mean seriously! This was just my bridal shower! And just the 1^st one at that! It was madness of the best kind! Plus an amazing cake with a purple bow (my favorite color) and the most gorgeous flower arrangement that is now sitting on my dining table making my kitchen look very springtime. It was an amazing experience and I am very lucky to have such a great family.

However it is hard to get myself back in the swing of things, as the wedding gets closer the more I am focused on it instead of everything else. I will be glad when my braid is freed up to think about other things again!  Especially my writing, oh I will be so very very glad to get back to work on my book which I am taking a break from due to the wedding. I am still jotting down ideas when they come but I just can’t sit down and write yet. Nothing goes for longer than a few moments before I am thinking of the wedding to do list again. I have a stack of notes however so once I can this book is going to get some serious time devoted to it!

Okay now I need to get back to work and back to focusing on other things, Monday’s are so rough….

Anyone else feel shorted by the weekend? Is everyone else in the world this busy???