Monday, April 16, 2012 | By: Kimmi

In Which I try to self soothe…minus the food

Morning all,

Unfortunately I haven’t been writing as much as I would like. Part of this is due to being busy and part because I can’t seem to get my brain together and get the words together into proper sentences…or even improper ones. Sometimes writing is easy….most of the time it is not. At least it isn’t when you are trying to stick to a theme or some other nonsense, but I digress.

I’m not feeling it today. You all know what it is don’t you? It is the feeling of being part of the world, the feeling that you are on the path, or just the general happy feeling that I seem to carry around 98% of the time. Yeah I’m not there today. I am trying but for some reason that feeling is eluding me. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am stressed about the wedding stuff and of course (not to get too personal) that monthly bill came due again. So I feel tired and fat and awful and it just makes me focus on all the things that I have been trying to ignore the past few weeks.

So what are the issues of the past few weeks?

Will I get everything done on time? Have I forgotten anything? ---These questions keep me up at night. It’s not that I am shooting for perfection for this wedding but I am shooting for something that will run smoothly and that everyone will enjoy, including me. I know what will make me happy but I keep wondering if everyone else is going to be too…I am working on it but at the same time I still keep worrying.

My weight- ugh this battle SUCKS! Weight is a lifelong issue for me. I get it, but I hate that I let myself slip into bad habits when I am feeling nervous, anxious, and stressed. Again a lot has to do with the monthly bill but I am not happy with the way I have been feeling or the way I have been eating. I am trying to get back on track today. I swiped the treadmill from my parents and set it up in my basement and I have some audio books that I have been saving for when I am plodding along. I am hoping to tap into the happy feeling that working out seems to provide to get me back on track…plus it will help the fat feeling that my jeans have been giving me lately. I won’t get into the number on the scale just yet. I am not happy with it but I don’t want to be all about the numbers. The fact is I feel icky…and that is all the sign I need that I should get back on track. Working out is the only way I know to quickly turn things around in the feeling happy department and eating well is the only way I know to get the body back to feeling well too. Again there are no magic secrets people….just hard work. I am ready to get back to work again but I am not happy about it. I don’t anyone that ever is all that happy about trying to regain ground that they have lost but that is just life I suppose.  

Keeping House- bills, cleaning, getting a routine that works for two….these things are minor I suppose but I’ve been letting them get to me. I just need to sit down and plan things out but the idea of trying to plan anything at the same time as this wedding is overwhelming

Writing- as usual this one stresses me out. My inner critic shrieking, “You should be writing more! Writer’s write! Writer’s write!” Yes I know they do. I know that I want to, but again doing anything in addition to planning the wedding, working, and trying to keep sane…Well it is just overwhelming. I am trying to give myself permission to just be for a little bit, but the writer in me keeps nagging. Guess it is a good thing that I have the blog. This counts as writing after all.

So that is what is going on with my little world and I do feel better now, amazing how just putting the words out there and out of me gets the poison out. Next time I get the urge for some chocolate or I feel all out of sorts perhaps I should hit the blog instead of beating myself up!


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