Wednesday, April 4, 2012 | By: Kimmi

In Which I am in the pursuit of my own Happiness

I feel so much better today. I feel like myself again. My brain feels clear again and I can hear myself think once more. It’s rough trying to get myself back to this place but I am here again and now I feel like keeping the weight off, eating well, smiling and in general being happy is possible once more. I can do this and I will look amazing this weekend. My dress will fit and I will feel gorgeous and enjoy the weekend no matter what. I will not let my hang ups ruin another event. I will spend time with my friends and I will laugh and carry on through this right of passage and remember that the whole reason that this is happening is to celebrate my future happiness. This weekend is supposed to be about having a great time with the amazing people that are apart of my life. If I don’t let go of my issues and have fun I will regret it forever. So instead of worrying about what I will look like and what needs to be done…I am going to smile and I am going to focus on the fact that all these people are coming in to celebrate the fact that I am about to take a huge step in life with the person I love more than anything in the world. This is the decision that I am making. I refuse to let myself ruin this for well…me. I deserve this moment as it is one of the few in a person’s life that stand out. I am not going to punish myself by dwelling on the weight I could lose, the way I could look, the things I could say or do, or even the choices I have made in my professional (see working) life. No I am not published (yet) and no I am not an engineer with a high IQ. I am nerdy girl who spends a lot of time daydreaming and the rest of the time working so that I can fund my nail polish addiction and pay off the student loan debt that college left me with, but there is nothing wrong with that. This is not my permanent status but it is working for me for now and it is helping me get where I want to be for the moment. I am getting things paid off, I am spending more time with my guy, and I am doing something new that works my brain in a new way to prepare me for other things in life. I am learning and that is the most important thing. There will come a time when I have gotten all I can from this and I will eventually have to move out of my comfort zone…but for now it is working.

I suppose right now I have a bit of the wedding blues that I am working through even though I feel much better today. It’s not so much that the wedding is going to be over and done with, it’s more there is a lot to do and honestly not all of it is going to be fun. Plus there have been some very stressful mishaps and also some hurtful things said. They were not meant to be hurtful but they still hurt me. It sucks that I let it hurt but it did, I don’t know many that would be happy if someone said to their face, “Oh god I am going to be so glad with this stupid wedding is over” …um thanks? The wedding is a big deal to me, I am still looking forward to it…I’m sorry that you are not but really that is all on you and I need to stop feeling like it is my job to make everyone happy. I only have to make me happy and of course my fiancé. That is it. No one else has a right to ask me to improve their happiness for a day that is about um well the two of us.


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